Online dating has started from a geek-only last resort of the social misfit, to one of the most active methods to meet women. For those men out there who may be dealing with a lot of shyness and “Nice Guy” issues, you should take a look at online resources as an excellent tool to expand your dating circle and increase your experience. These are the personal ads of the future, and they are a great way to get active and meeting women.
One caveat you should know up front about online matching services is that they attempt to answer only one of the two initial questions of relationships: Are we compatible? The other question — Do we have chemistry? — is up to you to determine. As a result, you’ll meet many people who have similar interests (but by all means this is not guaranteed), and you’ll also meet a lot of them that you won’t be very attracted to. It’s the nature of the game. You can only answer one of these questions at a time, and by throwing your line and hook into a pool of fish that are essentially looking to be caught, you will get a lot of throw-backs. Sure, they put up pictures, but from my experience they can be very misleading. You won’t know until you meet her in person if she actually meets your requirements for attraction. I have to emphasize that in spite of this, being able to get out and fish and catch a few is the best reinforcing dating experience you can have. I like to refer to these as lab experiments, and it takes a lot of the pressure off finding Ms. Right on the first coffee date.
Important rules for online dates:
– Your profile should be written very poetically and non-specifically. You have to be different. Don’t list out all your must-haves in here, like “must love Irish folk music, must love asparagus.” Just start with some appealing romantic imagery. Mix in some humor and make it different. You want it to spark her interest so that you can get a chance to sell yourself in person. Don’t be too dodgy; just write something different from the other guys who are looking for approval. Try something like this, by a guy who feels he might be a little chunkier than most:
o ‘Describe the woman you are looking for:’ “I’m not looking for her – I’ve already seen her. She saw me and thought: Wow! What an interesting way to package such an interesting man. He’s not a super-size, but what a Happy meal! She just needs to come back to find out where I get the rest of my fire and ambition.”
o Or, something more poetic than humorous: “She likes to dream, but she’s afraid to trust, sometimes afraid to risk. But now she knows that even the best time alone doesn’t compare to a good time with someone to share it with. Her eyes see grace and poetry in the world, but she’s still a little afraid to tell others about it for fear of looking too sentimental.”
– When you send out emails to the women on the service, you don’t have to customwrite a letter for each one, if you are careful about your approach. You include one personal item that tells them you read the profile (not just drooled over the photo), and the rest can be stock. You want to be funny and different, and challenge her usual sensibilities. Something like this:
o “Well, after you get done reading the fifty emails from loser guys telling you that they’re newly divorced and looking for a job and a new wife, I wanted to send you something a little different. Anyways, I’m 30, I’m happy, well-adjusted, and I have a refreshing abundance of personality. (I hope you like laughing a lot. I saw that you like Robin Williams in your profile, so I certainly hope so.) I thought you might make an interesting friend, so let’s talk and find out if getting a delicious cup of fun with me is better than dating old men from Tallahassee…”
o “Tell me if this sounds familiar: ‘Hey, I just read your ad, and I wanted to tell you how beauuuuutiful you are! I’m nineteen, but I’m very sophisticated, and if I can borrow my dad’s car, I’d love to take you out to see a skateboarding movie!’ NOT! Well, if you’d rather have some great conversation with Pierce Brosnan’s notso-bad looking third cousin, you should hit that Reply button. And I’ve got my own car. Honest!”
– If she replies to you, email her once or twice, but switch to the phone as soon as possible. Do not continue to banter back and forth for weeks with her. She’s getting hundreds of emails every day, and you’ve got to take it to the next step as soon as possible.
– Once you get her on the phone, you will have to talk for a little while with her to help her build up a little in her trust account. Remember, except the information you put in your profile, she doesn’t know you from Adam. When you do talk about yourself, make it light and fun. No heavy stuff about your family or your ex-wife that boiled a rabbit on your stove. Cut the conversation short (you’re busy, remember?) and get off the phone. Then call her back two days later to meet for a coffee date. Don’t seem too eager, just relax into it. From here on, it’s just like any other meeting.
Another possible detriment of online dating you should be aware of is what I call the “Candy Store” Syndrome. Women who get this much attention and opportunity can become a bit jaded. Especially if they know they have a large reservoir to draw more potential prospects from, and then you will have to work harder to stand out from the rest. So remember that if she doesn’t reply to you, it’s probably because she’s overwhelmed with other loser letters. Try again.