To begin with, I want to remind you of the differences between how men and women approach and experience sex.
To set the stage, I first want to talk about “experience.”
As humans, we use our five primary senses to take in information about the world. This is called “Perception.” Most of this happens on an UNCONSCIOUS level.
We then take what we get from our senses and we process this information. We compare it to what we’ve experienced before, we classify it, we imagine it in different ways, and we have UNCONSCIOUS reactions to it.
Next, we make decisions about what we’re going to do with what we just experienced. Again, these are mostly UNCONSCIOUS.
Finally, we take action on what we decided to do. You guessed it… again, mostly unconsciously.
This description is oversimplified, but I think it’s a useful model to work with here.
Basically, I believe that men and women go through these four stages a little differently. And when it comes to sex, I believe that they go through them much differently.
I mention this because most people deal with other people the way that they want to be dealt with. They communicate in ways that make sense to themselves. They usually assume that they know what’s best for others without checking first.
This only makes sense. Most people don’t walk around saying to themselves “Hmmm, I wonder if Sarah tastes the same thing as I do when she drinks coffee?” and “I wonder if water tastes exactly the same to her… or if it’s just slightly different…”
Most people have asked these questions once or twice in life, but they usually stop asking once they decide that most people have the same experiences as they do when they drink coffee, etc.
Here’s the deal: When it comes to most ‘gross’ experiences (meaning common level) like getting hit with a baseball, tasting salt, or seeing a color, we as humans usually have pretty similar experiences.
But when it comes to ‘subtle’ experiences (meaning less extreme, and in this context, also more complex) people, and especially different genders, have vastly different experiences.
For instance, if you show a man and a woman a picture of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, the man will usually notice all of the women, while the woman will notice the clothing, including the colors and the details.
Finally, the order or sequence of experiences and thoughts have a major role in the responses that men and women demonstrate.
In the area of sex, men are usually pretty simple: See hot woman, get turned on and want sex. All in about 1-3 seconds. A man can be outside working on his car and see a beautiful woman out of the corner of his eye, and instantly be in the mood.
On the other hand, women are a bit more complex. Even if a woman sees a handsome man, she will RARELY get sexually turned on. The first thing that women experience when they SEE an attractive man is usually more of a curiosity or intrigue… a wanting to know more.
If a man smiles at a woman, the woman usually interprets the smile as “Hi, you look nice and friendly.”
If a woman smiles at a man, the man usually interprets the smile as “I’m interested in sex.”
This one difference causes many first meetings to go the wrong way. Here’s the deal: In general, it takes women longer to get in ‘The Mood’ for sex, and it happens differently than it does for men.
As I talk about sex and how to do it better, you need to keep this in mind. Some of the things I’m going to tell you might sound like just ‘interesting’ ideas, or unusual things to do.
While they may be interesting and unusual, they are all specifically to appeal to the female mind and mating preferences. 50,000 years ago women had to figure out some way to determine if a man was going to be a good provider and a loyal mate.
I believe that the concept of ‘Romance’ was that way.
If a man was really interested, he would go through some demonstrations of his devotion… and be willing to wait for sex.
And so it goes. Women love things like ‘taking your time’, ‘anticipation’, ‘sensory rich experiences’, ‘romantic talk’ and ‘foreplay.’
I know, I know. We all want a woman that gets turned on by just seeing your unshaven face and dirty hair in the morning. But these are the cards we were dealt, and we might as well learn how to play them in this lifetime.
So I just mentioned a bunch of ideas. Let’s tie them together.
As far as the senses go: In general, women get turned on by a few major categories of things:
1. Voice tone, sensual (not sexual) language, and vivid descriptions. Women love to hear a sexy voice describing ideas, feelings, and scenarios in painful detail.
2. A wide range of different touching, kissing, stroking, caressing, and cuddling.
3. Smells and smelling. Women love great cologne. And women love to be smelled.
4. Tastes. Women love to be fed all kinds of wonderful things like Strawberries, chocolate, and champagne.
Did you notice anything missing from the list?
I left out SIGHT on my list. Why?
Well, women don’t get turned on as much by sight as they do by other senses. Men are usually more turned on by visuals than by the other four senses combined.
Women are turned on more by the others.
It’s true that what you look like can PREVENT you from being attractive due to not taking care of yourself, not being her ‘type’ or whatever.
But I believe (and have proven to myself over and over) that if you pave the way correctly, you can overcome looks and get a woman VERY sexually stimulated by using her other senses and her imagination.
Next I talked about how women notice details. Women notice subtle things. If you rub a woman’s hand, she’ll feel warm and friendly toward you.
If you very very gently and slowly run the tips of your fingers over her hand, she will begin to get aroused (other conditions have to be right, of course).
If you kiss a woman on the lips and stick your tongue down her throat, she’ll probably be disgusted. But if you kiss her gently… then slowly pull away and look into her eyes… then kiss her again slowly and gently… you’ll start a fire inside of her that will build (if you do everything else correctly as well).
I also mentioned romance. To me, romance is simply demonstrating to a woman that this whole encounter and ‘relationship’ with her is meaningful.
It’s a way of saying “I want to create a great experience for you” to her. If you play up the romance too much, you’ll push a button inside of a woman called “He loves me and wants to marry me.” So be careful.
I recommend sticking to the kinds of romance that involve the senses, and not the kind that involve money, gifts, and love letters. There’s nothing wrong with these… it’s just that they lead to the M word. If you want a wife, great. If not, use care and stick to the senses.
I believe that anticipation, excitement, and tension are some of the biggest turn-ons that a woman can feel. Women LOVE to wonder what’s coming next. They LOVE to be surprised. They LOVE to be waiting on the edge of their seats.
Here are a few ways to do it:
1. Say “I have a surprise for you.” Then say “But I’m not going to give it to you yet… it’s for later.” The surprise can be anything from a piece of chocolate to some melon-scented massage oil that you bought to rub her shoulders. It doesn’t matter. The key is to pique her curiosity and make her want to know what it is.
2. Put a blindfold on her. Women LOVE to be blindfolded! Don’t ask, just do it. Go grab a scarf out of your closet (silk if you have it) and put it on her. Remember, women are turned on more by their other senses anyway. Turning their vision off heightens their other senses and makes them even more responsive.
3. When you’re doing something that’s turning her on, STOP. This seems counter-intuitive, but it’s the promise land. Guys like to find what feels good and KEEP DOING IT BABY. Women like to have what feels good taken away… so they can feel some more anticipation!
Do you get it? Come up with your own ways to build anticipation. Tell her a story about someone that felt anticipation. Tell her you’re feeling it. Whatever. Just make her anticipate what’s coming next.
Stimulating Her Senses
So how do you best stimulate these other four senses in a way that will turn her on? Now that’s a GREAT question.
1. Touch her very very gently and slowly. Use the very tips of your fingers. Run them over her arms, neck, shoulders, lips, hands, legs, feet… everywhere. If you avoid her breasts, crotch, and ass, you’ll even get her more turned on for later (Remember anticipation? It will drive her crazy… “When is he going to touch my tits?”).
2. Kiss her sensually. Let the first kiss be very light… almost a brush. Then wait (anticipation). Kiss her 100 times on the neck and shoulders. Suck on her lips gently. Lick her just a tad on the neck, shoulders, and lips. Think eating an ice-cream cone, then tone it back a bit. Like you’re tasting her a little each time.
3. Feed her little bits of things that are sexy. Try strawberries, chocolate, champagne. Also, go out and get yourself some of that ‘Kama Sutra Oil’ at the adult store. The flavored kind not only tastes good, it HEATS UP if you put it on and breathe on it. Nice.
4. Smell her. Smell her neck and shoulders for about 5-10 minutes STRAIGHT. No kissing. No licking. Just smelling for 5-10 minutes. Gently run your nose and lips over her shoulders and neck smelling her. Say “Mmmmm… you smell good. I’m just going to smell you for awhile.” You’re going to love how she reacts to this.
5. Talk sexy to her. Men like to hear “I want it harder big boy”… women like to hear “Your lips feel so soft and sexy. I love the way your lower lip feels when I kiss it… And I could just kiss you for hours… it feels so nice.” Women love to hear about the DETAILS, remember?
6. Tell her stories, and describe what you’re going to do to her. If she’s getting turned on, take a few minutes to whisper in her ear exactly what you’re going to do to her. “You know what I’m going to do next? First, I’m going to slowly and gently kiss your shoulders… and then work my way up to your neck… smelling your sexy perfume… mmm… you smell soooo good… then, I’m going to kiss you deeply…” Get it? Also tell her what feels good in the same detailed way. Use a soft, slow, deep tone of voice.
The Transition Into Sex (Also Known As ‘Foreplay’)
I have a lot of guys ask me things like “How to I make my move?” and “How do I get her to actually have sex with me?”
My answer: Remember the old saying… “The hungry don’t get fed.”
I know that this sounds paradoxical, but you have to ACT LIKE YOU DON’T NEED IT. You have to have an “I can take it or leave it” attitude at the beginning. Later, after things are rolling, you can bang her brains out like it’s your last chance to have sex this lifetime (interestingly, if you set it up correctly, she’ll love it if you do, too).
So to begin with, start then stop. Start then stop. Do something that’s arousing, then cool it and do something else. Did someone say “Anticipation”?
I thought so.
The way to get her to want to have sex is to create this anticipation while at the same time stimulating her senses. Combine this with a casual attitude of “I’m enjoying this, but I don’t NEED it” and you’re off to the races.
But you have to keep it up. It might take you an extra 20 or 30 minutes of this teasing and whatnot, but if you’ll just be patient, my son, you’ll reap the great rewards.
There are a few major signals:
1. She starts grinding her hips on you.
2. She starts taking your clothes off.
3. She starts taking her clothes off.
4. She says “I’m getting really turned on” or “I’m really getting hot.”
5. She grabs your crotch.
If you keep it up for long enough, one of these will usually happen. that’s your cue that it’s time to take things to the next level.
When you get the signal, it’s time for you to act like a man and do something (isn’t it a bitch being a guy sometimes?).
I recommend this sequence:
1. Run your hands over her breasts (through her clothes).
2. Run your hands over her ass (through her clothes).
3. Pull her shirt up just enough to expose her stomach a tiny bit, and then start touching it very gently and slowly… also touch her back where it’s exposed. Remember what I said about slow, gentle touching.
4. Stop once in awhile. Create anticipation.
5. Next, take off her shirt. Don’t immediately go for the breasts! Don’t do it! Gently touch every part of her that’s exposed (I’m assuming that she still has her bra on). Kiss her shoulders… and her back. Add generous portions of light slow touching and mini-tasting.
6. If the “I’m getting really hot” signals keep coming from her, now touch and kiss her breasts gently through her bra. If this goes over well, then take it off and kiss some more. Remember, slow, gentle… and stop for anticipation breaks.
7. Next comes the pants. You may have to take shoes and/or socks off first. Slow and deliberate. Don’t act like you’ve been in prison for the last five years and this is your first time with a woman.
8. Once the pants are off, keep kissing, smelling, tasting, gentle slow touching… and add touching around the edges of her underwear. Women like to have the skin around the edges of clothing and underclothing touched (usually). Slowly and deliberately.
9. Finally, reach down and touch her gently between her legs. She might resist this (or any of the previous advances). If she does, just stop and go back to building anticipation. If you do this a few more times, she’ll usually get turned on to the point where she wants you to continue.
10. For the sake of all the dumb-ass men in the world, I have to say “If she says “STOP” or pushes you away, then stop. Never force a woman to do anything. It’s dumb, wrong, and illegal.”
So that’s it for the ‘transition.’ Now you’re ready for the real deal.
Oral Sex (Cunnilingus)
For a woman, her whole body can get turned on. So don’t forget to keep touching her and paying attention to the rest of her body.
I recommend trying a few things when you first have oral sex with her to find what she likes.
Here’s the list:
1. Begin by KISSING your way down her stomach… and then her inner thighs and legs… anticipation.
2. Ask “are you comfortable.” Women usually like to feel clean and ‘fresh’… and she might feel self-conscious because she hasn’t showered in several hours, etc. If this is the case, you might want to ask her if she’d like to share a shower with you. If she seems uncomfortable, ask if she’d like to join you in a shower.
3. Begin by kissing her gently. Kiss her and lick her slowly and deliberately. Make some “Mmmmm” noises and let her know that you’re enjoying yourself.
4. You have a couple of major tools, and a couple of ways to use them. Use your tongue on her clit, and your fingers on the inside.
5. Start with kissing and licking, then a few minutes later insert one finger. If she likes this, ask if she’d like two fingers. Go slow, as most women need to relax and get used to the stretching. If you don’t know where a clit and a G spot are, get a book.
6. Mouth options: Licking up and down, side to side, in circles, directly on her clit, around it, sucking.
7. Finger(s) inside options: Sliding in and out, staying still, rubbing top or bottom or sides, rubbing a spot inside, slow, fast.
8. Try each of the mouth options until you find the one she likes best.
9. Try each of the finger options until you find the one she likes best.
10. Combine. Once you find the magic combination, keep doing it EXACTLY that way, at EXACTLY that speed and pressure. Men like faster and harder, women usually like the same way until orgasm.
If you do a great job, she’ll usually want to reciprocate and use her mouth to make you feel great.
Do yourself a favor: Tell her what you like and how you like it. But don’t make it sound like you’ve done this a thousand times and you’re an expert at describing it.
Say “Ohhh… I liked it when you did this…” and “It really feels good when you…” Women like to know that you’re feeling good. So tell her as she’s doing it. Tell her how you’re feeling.
I think it’s a good idea to always be paying attention to how she’s responding to your touching, kissing, etc.
Different women like things differently, and sex is where this makes itself more obvious.
So…. if she liked it when you really sucked on her neck hard… and she was pulling on you with force, then there’s a good chance that she’s going to like to be more ‘physical’ when it comes to sex.
So pay attention.
At first, you’ll want to go very slowly. Only insert the very tip of your throbbing manhood, cowboy. Then pull it out. Then the tip. Then pull it out. Anticipation. Anticipation. Anticipation.
Repeat “I can wait” 1,000 times.
It definitely helps if you’ve made her have a great orgasm moments before… as she’ll be wetter.
In any event, notice what makes her feel good, and do more of it during sex.
Here’s a list (did you notice that I like lists?) of other ideas for you:
1. Try variations, like 9 fast shallow thrusts then one slow deep one. This will make her gasp every time you go deep.
2. Look into her eyes while you’re having sex.
3. Caress her body, kiss her and touch her, and remember the rest of her.
4. This is when it’s OK to switch into “I haven’t had sex in 47 years and I’m going to take it out on you” mode. At this point it’s OK to be a wild man.
5. Find combinations of things that she likes. She might like to be kissed at the same time… or have her nipples pinched. Try things. Keep what works.
6. If you need to stop because you’re going to blow like Mt. Vesuvius, just stop. It’s OK to pause if you need to. It builds my favorite thing: Anticipation. You don’t have to say “I’m going to ejaculate prematurely, therefore I’m going to take a break.” Just do it. Leave her thinking that you’re just so in control that you like to pause to enjoy kissing her. Same goes for if you get anxiety or just turned off. Take a break and kiss her for awhile… then get back to it.
7. Another technique is to slow down (which women love) and imagine yourself somewhere else in order to prevent the premature EJ. Just imagine that you’re swimming in the ocean. Hear the waves, feel the water on your body, and taste the salt. This will distract your mind enough to get control.
The theme here is to do things that are creative, but at the same time wonderful to her. By paying attention, you can learn what she likes, and at the same time, by trying new things, surprise her.
Here’s a good one for you: Most women like sex in the missionary position or woman on top. Most men love doggy-style.
In the surveys, women say that they feel “less intimate” when they do it doggy style. So how do you get a woman to enjoy sex in the freaky positions that you love and fantasize about?
Another good question.
Here’s the short answer: Transition smoothly, and pay attention.
If you want to try doggy-style because you think she’s got a sexy ass and you want to look at it, don’t just flip her on her stomach…
You need to transition smoothly. Here’s the how to:
1. Let’s say that you’re on top, and you want to switch to doggy.
2. First, lift up her legs and thrust deep inside of her. This will be more of an ‘animalistic’ feel for the moment.
3. Next, push her legs over to the side so she’s still on her back, but her legs are slightly to the side.
4. Now, lean down and kiss her, pushing her legs even further over to the side.
5. As you’re kissing her, lean down and lay behind her in the ‘spooning’ position while you’re still inside her.
6. Hold her and kiss her neck for a bit so she gets accustomed to this position.
7. Start your thrusting again slowly.
8. As you’re going at it, turn her onto her stomach and continue.
9. Finally, stop and pull her hips up to you and lean down to kiss her neck and lips… this maintains some of the ‘intimacy.’
10. Finally, lean back and grab on. Viola! You’ve done it!
The key to getting into new and wonderful positions that you love it to TRANSITION smoothly. Later on, after she’s used to the new positions, you can move quicker. But this is how to do it the first time!